Grief does not follow a schedule

You may have heard that grief comes in stages, and that you pass through them in order until you arrive at acceptance. It is a tidy idea, and it is not how most people actually experience loss.

Grief is far less orderly. You can feel almost normal for a week and then be undone by a smell, a song, or someone's handwriting. You can feel relief and guilt about the relief. You can be angry at someone for dying. None of this means you are grieving wrongly.

Things people often do not say out loud

It comes in waves, not a slope. Progress is not steady, and a bad day three months in is not a reversal.

Anniversaries are hard, and so is the run-up to them. Often the week before is heavier than the day itself.

Other people stop asking quite quickly. Support tends to arrive in a rush and then thin out, often just as the reality settles in. If you need someone months later, you are not being difficult by saying so.

Practical grief is real grief. Paperwork, belongings, someone else's phone still in a drawer. The admin of loss is exhausting and rarely acknowledged.

What tends to help

Talk about the person. Use their name. Many people avoid mentioning someone who has died in case it causes pain, which can leave the bereaved feeling they have to carry the memory alone.

Keep some structure — eating, sleeping and moving at roughly regular times — without demanding productivity of yourself.

Accept help in specific forms. "Let me know if you need anything" is hard to answer. "I am bringing food on Thursday" is easier.

When to reach out

Grief is not an illness and does not need to be treated. But if months on you cannot function, if you feel unable to go on, or if you are avoiding everything that reminds you of the person to the point that your life has narrowed, speaking to a provider can help.

If you are having thoughts of ending your life, please treat that as urgent. Call 117 for police or 116 for an ambulance, or tell someone near you right now.